Newborn No More

Today is the day I've been dreading. I am no longer the mom, or ever will be again, of a newborn. Today Ruby is a month old and "officially" an infant. I have avoided blogging this past month... even though I have so, so many words and thoughts and feelings rolling around in my head. I have been skating around the edge of this cliff, afraid if I got too close, I would fall off and never get my bearings again. I knew if I started to write about what I was thinking and feeling and experiencing, my hormones would take over, the floodgates would open, and I would sink into a hormone-induced depression. Don't get me wrong... I am so very, very happy. Ruby is the perfect compliment to our family and the amazing little piece that makes our family complete. But with each of my other girls, I knew there was a good possibility that I would be doing this "one more time." I know now that Ruby is my last baby, and that breaks my heart a little (ok, a lot) Ever since I was a little girl, I knew all I ever wanted in life was to be "a mom" and now I am quietly mourning the fact that I will never again feel a baby kick inside my belly. I will never again get to argue with my husband about baby names. I will never again get to wear those fancy mesh underpants they give you after delivery.... just kidding! 

This morning I packed away the first two sleepers that Ruby has outgrown. Packing away... as in, putting them in the rummage sale box. Sigh. Don't even get me started on the thought of having to disassemble the crib one day...

With that said, I know how very, very blessed I am to have FOUR healthy pregnancies and babies, but knowing this chapter of my life is ending is absolutely heartbreaking. I know God made this pregnancy and labor a bit more challenging than the last to help me solidify our decision. And yes, while it makes our decision easier, it doesn't make it any less sad. 

In a funny twist, Ruby gave me her first honest-to-goodness smile last night (not the gassy, I-have-a-full-belly smiles in her sleep) So, while I'm sad that my newborn bundle is growing far too quickly into an "infant," I am reminded of all the amazing, incredible things I have to look forward to... her first giggle, sleeping through the night (yes, please!), but mostly, watching her run and play with her big sisters.